Dreams - I miss you

 

I had the weirdest dream again. And this time it’s about you again. I was feeling confused and excited for the first time because I was feeling like I was heading back to my hometown whilst it was back at Puchong. I realized that when I looked outside of the house and wanted to go to Amirul Aiman’s house. But that’s not why we were there. We were there for a birthday surprise of whom I do not know either. It’s probably my sibling or relatives of mine. But when we came into the house just passed the gatehouse carefully as it as dark as pitch that we couldn’t see anything. There was a cake with a lighted up candles for the birthday girl. As we were screaming for joy and making noise around, there was another cake with a lighted up candle and that was for me. And the weirdest part is when it was not my husband that was holding the cake but it was Arif.

 My dearly once beloved nerdy guy, my first love, my first time giving my whole heart to someone else, its Arif Naim, dressed like an adult (finally), as we looked up and met each other eyes, his eyes as usual, shining and gleaming. Then, like a birthday girl (even though) it was not, I blew up the flames out of the candles and he puts down the cake on the table. We had fun, even my cousins were there. It was like the place was my hometown only located in a different place. And they were talking on the table and as soon as I heard the conversation was about my wedding. I sat down near to them and listen to it. And I heard this “It was the happiest day of my life and I am the luckiest guy to have her. She was soo beautiful that day. I couldn’t forget it till now, till the last day I closed my eyes” then he laughed and looked at me with those eyes. But then I was panicking where is my husband and how is he my husband? But looking back at him and his reaction is like and we met eye-to-eye these gifs below, I just blushed away.

              

 It caught me then when that moment brought me back when we were kids. When we were 12, 13, 14, 15 it’s still the same old Arif Naim. 

I don’t know how I could fall for him while there are way lot cuter guys around me but I just did. That’s when I realize that he had never changed. He looked at me like I’m the most beautiful, prettiest woman he had ever seen. Little did I know or realized that he had always have "that look" towards me. I just realized that now.

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  I remembered there was a day when Wawa and I walked back home from school on a rainy day. It was our “thing” to taking off our shoes and put it in a zip lock bag to avoid it to be soaking wet to be worn tomorrow for school and walked barefoot all along the way. After reaching home, we usually like to hangout somewhere just to dried out our school uniform before going back home. Our hangout place will usually be at the top of our condominium but since the guards have locked it up we decided to hang out at the park. We both sat and lie our back on the glass wall of the library and just chilling out watching the roads and talking about stuff and sometimes creating songs we had back in our minds. That’s when suddenly someone came and approach to us. 

“Hey. Hey Nadia. Hey Wawa. Whatsup?” When we looked up to see the face it was Arif. I have no idea what he was doing in the park around that hour but we said Hi back to him and he sat beside me the same position lying his back on the glass wall of the library. Then we talked and had a small conversation which I couldn’t remember what it was about. I knew he was looking to my direction. I thought he was looking at Wawa then I lost track what we were talking about as my mind was over somewhere where I kinda lost the conversations. Then suddenly he got up on his feet and said he had to go get ready for his tuition. His tutor will come in an hour. That’s when I knew he came here to do a booking at the library then met us. Then he said “Goodbye. Catch up with you guys later. Bye Wawa. Bye Nadia” with those looks. Those sad “like you missing someone looks”. That’s when Wawa grabbed my shoulder and turn myself to face her and told me this “Do you see the way he looked at you? He is soo in love with you. This isn't crushing anymore, Nadia. He is absolutely in love, head over heels to you. The way he looked at you as if you’re the prettiest girl he had ever met and I think you’re very lucky. It’s very rare of a boy to have this special feeling towards a girl”. 

    

While I don’t know what and how to respond to that. I feel kinda sick like something rumbling in my tummy while having those uneasy feelings like suddenly you feel cold and hot at the same time. I don’t know what that was. I don’t know whether I liked it nor hated those feelings because I knew he liked me since we were 12 and he tried so hard to impress me. He had done several trials on confessing to me and the last time he did, I got very furious and we did not talk for weeks until I feel kind of missing him and wanting him back in my life but I went to go see him and had the heart-to-heart talk with him saying that” I love you, I really do but just as a friend. I don’t wanna lose you because you were my best friend but for us to be more than a friend I think it’s too cheesy for me and I can’t handle that” so, we became friends (I thought we really were) but those looks from him whenever he sees me has never changed. I like it but I hated it and everytime we would say goodbye to each other he would always give me this looks as if he's so sad that we may never have to be with each other again. As if he knew that his mother would not like us being together as a couple and we would have to say goodbye to all of this.

    

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Back to my dreams, in that confusing dreams, I felt different even though I was still in confusion how did he is my husband then where is my real husband but I tend to let it go and just smiled like a fool girl and looked back at him where suddenly I felt tears flowing down my face. I was unsure if I was so proud of myself or that I missed those looks and everyone around us was like “Awww, what a lucky girl. I will never have such a compliment from my husband” And there he was sitting in the middle of the crowd and still have his eyes on me like he is the luckiest man ever to have me.

This dream had me woke up in confusion. I am not sure if it’s because I missed him which I think quite absurd cause I haven’t seen him/stalked him or even think of him in this short period of time or is it because he missed me as you know people been saying that if you dream a person its maybe because they missed you so much or maybe we both missing each other. I have no idea at all. It was just a dream after all. But this wasn’t the first one I had, dreaming of him (where I think I would do another entry post for that one). Me and him, I would think to be more like a soulmate. We feel the same and he understands me the most. That’s how I could fell hard onto him. I thought I have over him? How am I supposed to forgets him if he kept showing up in dreams like this? Uwaa.

As the conclusion of this case, I have nothing over and why he kept showing up in my dreams I have no idea but I did talk to him and everything was fine and I just pray that he would have a better woman in his life to be his companion throughout his life and have a good future up ahead for both of us, insyallah. We could only plan the things we want in life but He knows what the best. I believe in His journey that He had done for me (like a statement in a piece of surah in the Quran). For both of us. Maybe it is better off this way.

وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui.” (Al-Baqarah: 216)

I loved him so much. As a friend, a best guy friend, and a lover. He was like a soulmate to me that when I go and ranting any issues/problems I have he knows how to comfort and chill me out as I felt problem-free all of a sudden. No, it was not the “head over heel” thingy. But he is just like that and always positive. He would hear me out, and see what’s the problem and give me advises and then cools me down. He is soft like a river that would give me some sort of a calmness that I need in my life but we just couldn’t be together. I thank god for him for always being there for me and Allah grant him his wishes for being good with people. However, since I met my husband and we eventually got hitched, I realized that there must be a reason we should not be as a friend. He had never talked about his future with me along side with him while my husband would have it all to be walking this journey together while holding hands even at such a young age. I have no regrets. I feel the warmth of his love. I agreed in marrying him cause I knew my husband would offer everything to have me by side and fight for me even though if I was wrong which the thing that he would never have the guts to.  I am certainly sure he would find a girl one day that he and his mother would love one day. All I could say my husbands is more like the ocean that I could never sees whats going in his mind, has the waves that can be adventurous like I'm on a roller coaster kinda feeling and sometimes we fights a lot (our friends are so used to it) like its a hobby between us but damn, I love him so much. 

All in all, I thought I loved the river more for it peace and slow water flows but it seems that I'm more happier in the ocean dipping in the salty water and lying on the beach while the waves sweeps away the sand on my feet. I'm glad we're in different journey although sometimes you crossed my mind especially on 7th July, cause you did had a special place in my heart that I took years to forget. You, hold a name, forever the name on my lips. Maybe one day, I'll share this story to my kids, maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't.