and good afternoon peeps.
* I wrote this on 2017. It has been two years now and those posting is such so heartbreaking and so personal that I feel like crying whenever I'm trying to edit this entry post.*
After almost a year I've been disappearing without posting any post, now I think it is a suitable time for me to post something up especially after all the things that happen. I overviewed my last post was about I was getting engaged and already has been a fiancee since then. I'm already a wife now since the last end of April.
I was reluctant to share my post because lots of things had happened recently. Everything was perfect in line but only He knows whats the best right? My beloved Maktok has passed away exactly two weeks before my engagement ceremony. I felt extremely sad because when I brought Daus and his family for the first time to our hometown in Penang, I was so happy when I got her blessing. The day we were going back to KL, I shook and kissed her hand lovingly and she whispered this in my ear "Dia nampak macam baik. Maktok doakan ayang dengan dia sampai ke pelamin sampai ke anak cucu" and gave that such a warmth smile. I am longing for that slow-mo smile yet could give the calmest feeling inside of me. She was the first to give a blessing on our relationship after my parent and siblings. And one of her last words is " Jaga diri baik-baik, maktok sayang ayang. Mana lah tahu tahun depan tak sempat nak jumpa" Then her eyes teared up.
Then a year later staring before Ramadhan month she fell sick. We didn't know the big mole on her right stomach was a sign of Skin Cancer. And later they checked her in the hospital and found out she was already at Stage 4. But we didn't give up. We tried asking to send her for chemotherapy. She only did it once. Then she reluctant to go and said it hurts so much that she couldn't bear. So, we tried it the traditional way as a month passed by because she was getting weird and as if she's not her anymore and found out instead of cancer, there are other "thing" inside of her, controlled her. The ustaz said that because she has not eaten for weeks to remove that "thing" would be dangerous for her as she was so weak. After a few months of struggling, sadly, she has passed away a week after Raya.
Just a couple of weeks before my engagement day. It was heartbreaking, really, really heartbreaking. Because I've been wanting to visit her but I can't due to my exams and all. It was a peak of midterm exams before my mid-semester break started. Plus, we didn't get to come back home to Penang during Eid Mubarak because my mom was admitted for a few days starting from first Eid till fourth Eid. The Eid celebration that year was unlike any other before. It was empty and we didn't the chance to eat Raya food that year. So, there was this one week we were decided to go back home to Penang to visit her. Just a few days before we were supposed to go back and thank goodness I was home during that time.
Suddenly my mom got a called from my cousins saying that "Maktok dah tak bernafas". We were both so shocked and I went and hold my mother because she is still recovering and she looked weak after hearing that. All of us in that house went to silence. Not a single speech was said. My dad kneeled beside my mom an hugged her. Everyone was in tears. We were supposed to meet here Saturday but she left us before we even can see her. My brother just registered his IKM in Larkin, Johor Bahru. So, we asked my fiancee there to accompany him to come back home. As soon as we reached Penang, seeing her body lied there made my eyes couldn't stop crying.
Long-distance is always hard. We faced the same when grandpa of my dad's sides was dying. My dad came back home from his dad's to pick us up to his dad's. It was just less than 12 hours my dad's left my Tokwan and just a few hours we got to meet him but after isya' that very night he drew his very last breath. My siblings and I got to meet him but only his lifeless body. No more those warm smiles of him, the eyes that turned small when he smiles.
On my Maktok's death, I was really sad seeing my Paktok. He is half-body paralyzed where his left part of his body is malfunctioning for a few years already. One of my aunt lifted him on the wheelchair and pushes him in front of his wife. I didn't know if he's realized that his wife has passed away as he had no response to it but every night and morning he would call his wife's name and getting mad where was she and she was doing cause she did not come to him and he'll be ranting over this for Every Single Day.
I thought we could relax a bit while my family and I were focusing on my wedding preparations until one day I got a call from my mom that I need to pack my things for them to pick me up cause we needed to go back to Penang. I thought it was Paktok cause he fell a few days from his wheelchair a few days before and had been sick but unfortunately it was my cousin who was like a big sister to me.
We grew up together and so we were very close. We only grew distance just recently because of my wedding. She admitted to the hospital carried by the ambulance the night before cause she had Brain Hemorrhage. This is a type of stroke caused by an artery in the brain bursting and causing localized bleeding in the surrounding tissues. After checked by the doctors, it seems that she had high blood pressures and the BP when high till it was causing pressure in one of the arteries and burst in her left side of her brain. They have done the surgery immediately as this case is fatal and she was in a coma and placed in ICU by the time we got the news. This was another shocking moment for my family. She was only 27 years old, a carefree woman. She has so much upon her. According to her mother, she was playing tabs and phones every time before sleep and stressing things out. Then, that very night she had a sudden painful headache that she cried so hard (she will normally cries every time she has a headache, so her mother thought it was normal), what was not normal was when suddenly her eyes went white and she threw up right after and half-awake before she fainted. They called for an ambulance and they took her to the hospital.
The operation was carried out on her was cleaning up the blood and clots in her head which required to open her skulls and was stitched back without her skulls for the doctor's further observations. It was their family that took care of my late Maktok and they were taking a break from everything they have gone through and this happens. This happens in December and as I'm writing this up last four days was her birthday. Although there were slim chances for this patience of this case to heal thoroughly she has shown progress. She was brought back home but still depending on the life machine and her digestive system has to be done manually (through a bag connected to the urinal and intestines) but she was doing okay. Slowly, though. But just before her upcoming birthday, she drew her last breath and that's it.
While for the story of my Paktuk, he just fell sick and then suddenly passed away just a few weeks before my wedding. I was devastated. I felt blank all of sudden. I was fear hearing it was my cousin but I was in more fear when heard it was my Paktuk. The clown of the family. Even though he was half-paralyzed, he still can talk so we would tease him a lot of things. He speaks fluent Japanese and had quite good memories on certain things of his past. We just think that he was so close to my late Maktuk that their death is just a few months away exactly like her wife's death a few weeks before my ceremony. That just made the house so empty.
My routine every time we went to the house I would search for Maktuk and salam her and kissed her on cheeks and foreheads and hugged her tightly cause we rarely went back home. And I still felt like doing that finding her in her bedroom usually she will be on her praying mat in her telekung waiting for isya' but I was acting like a fool when walked into an empty room. I missed her smell, her talks, her smiles. I missed all three of them. I used to sleep with my cousins every time we came back home and had this small talks with my late cousin till dawn before azan and that's when we have to hurry up fall asleep before the mother's knew we weren't sleeping. Cheeky girls.
And watching Paktuk having his breakfast wanting what we're having and my cousins would tease him by giving like tea and told him it's coffee, watching my cousins playing wrestling with him and lots of other things.
It was a very hard year for my aunty and my cousin too. They have lost everything three people who live with them every single day and of course, the house seems to be empty. This tragedy hurt and haunting me until today. I usually will make du'a for her, Maktuk and Paktuk at end of my solat and there are days I will broke down and cried so hard. I don't know if I'm scared of ending up that way or I just traumatized of this close three death in just two years. That was the two years we kept going back to Penang. That is also the saddest and happiest years of my life. I guess it is the same for my mom too.
I pray for them that they will be excluded from torture in grave, widens the spaces in grave and highers their human degrees and grant them jannah, ya allah.
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| Dua for deceased people. |
